@Lenciel

Disappointment & Confidence

I wrote this in English because it is a habbit I have: when I’m frustrated, I wrote in English.

It feels safer and warmer because it seems no one will take time to read it carefully when the language is switched.

Today one of our freind told me she decides to resign to brew her drawing skill dedicatedly. She is working with us since Myriad, then Palm4fun, then Testbird. And she is not just a colleague for us, but a talent, honest freind. So I feel kinda upset.

But I know it will happen sooner or later since we join Testbird.

It doesn’t have to be her, but it will happen.

It doesn’t have to be Testbird, but it will happen.

I know it because everytime when you join a new team you will have the disappointment and confidence problem.

On the very first day of the new job. When you walk in the building knowing practically no one. Everyone is pleasant and nice… almost too nice. Everyone (including you) is not quite themselves because everyone understands the power of the first impression. They’re watching every single move and attempting to interpret how these moves might be perceived. It’s exhausting and it doesn’t reflect the natural steady state of the team.

You listen. You talk to every single person who is willing and you slowly form the impression of the tangible and intangible aspects of this group of people. A picture slowly forms in your mind of how it fits together and, as an aside, it’s almost always wrong because your brain hates discord. As quickly as possible, your brain wants a framework that efficiently predicts what is going to happen next. Your initial framework is a calming hodgepodge of past experience combined with your three most recent epiphanies, and you call this weak sauce, “The way they work.”

And this poor assessment goes both ways. It’s the beginning of the disappointment. You discover your model for them is incorrect. They discover that you are not who they expected. It’s the end of the honeymoon and the fact the end has begun is progress, but it mostly feels like disappointment. You’re in an unfortunate hole. It’s buyer’s remorse. It’s understanding the world is never, ever that simple.

You sense their disappointment, so you listen harder. You push yourself to talk with a wider variety of unfamiliar humans, because you continue to erroneously believe that one of them could tell you that elusive one rule that would explain this particular clan’s culture in a immediately useful and revealing way. You read every decrepit wiki page. You attend every meeting. You’re attempting to rebuild yourself in a new culture and it’s exhausting because you took all of this for granted in your prior gig. You had built blazing fast intuition, but it took months…perhaps years.

Or maybe never.

How can you start climbing out of the disappointment? The only way I know is through small, unexpected wins.

Find something small enough that you can fix it without breaking other things.

No one expected you to fix that; no one even knew it was broken; and no one thought it was that important. When you fixed it, no one really noticed. When the consequences of the fix became obvious, they thought, “She/He can do that? Hmmm….interesting.”

Your fix is your first legitimate reputation defining moment, because while people were told who you were, they didn’t believe it because people don’t believe what they have not seen.

Disappointment vanishes slowly and quietly each of these small wins. The wins don’t feel substantive or impactful, but they continue to incrementally define who you are to the rest of the team. They start to build a realistic model of you in their minds. You’re not who they expected, it’s not what you expected, but after three months you start to think of this strange place as home.

I wish all the best for her and hope she take the time to relax and learn, and come back not just with her enhanced UX expertise, but also with the knowledge that everybody boarding on a new ship will have the same disappointment problem and you can always conquer it with small wins.

Good Luck!

《鸟人》

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今年奥斯卡最佳电影颁给了《鸟人》,喜欢电影的小伙伴们纷纷起立…

毕竟从82届的《拆弹部队》算起,到85届的《为奴十二载》,年年美国主旋律,今年能够给一部足够有特色的杰作,而不是再给《SELMA》或者是《美国狙击手》这样的“美国好电影”,算是奥斯卡“迷途知返”。

另外有很多人觉得2014年是电影的小年,所以呼声最高的《鸟人》和《少年时代》都是小众电影。但其实这年有达内兄弟,有诺兰,有大卫芬奇,有波兰斯基,挺大的一年。

而《鸟人》在这样的“大年”也走得很曲折:在《少年时代》起跑阶段一家独大的状况下,《鸟人》在后半程接连拿下了PGA(制片人工会)最佳影片,SAG(演员工会)最佳群戏和DGA(导演工会)最佳导演,最终在奥斯卡翻盘。

那么这部最佳电影究竟在说什么?

有人说它讽刺了电影工业,那些超能英雄电影,那些看起来光鲜其实脆弱的明星。

也有人讨厌它晃晃悠悠分不清戏里戏外台前台后的伪长镜头。

我觉得它说的问题其实是任何人都需要面对的冲突:内心和现实的冲突。电影里的主角配角,街头朗诵《麦克白》的醉汉,以及雷蒙德卡佛的小说,其实都围绕着这根主线。

每个人都会时不时地希望完全遵从自己的内心去生活。演员想不用管剧评家说什么;女儿想不用管父母说什么;老公想不用管老婆说什么;想在戏台上和Lesley真正来一发的Mike想不管所有人说什么。换句话说,不管有钱没钱,我们都希望不用管其他人是什么感受任性一下。

所以电影故意在每个角色突破现实的时候制造一种欣快感,并且通过戏中戏和长镜头弱化虚幻和现实的边界让那些快感迅速升级。

然后马上伴随紧密鼓点端出一地鸡毛的苦涩现实:每个人毕竟都被现实生活所禁锢。

大多数人当然会觉得Riggan,Mike,Sam,Lesley这样的人太傻太敏感太脆弱。

这里的大多数人包括Riggan穿着内裤走在时代广场的时候,那些拿起手机拍的看客。包括打开微信疯狂的摇完几块钱的红包,然后传播“看开”、“放下”、“断舍离”的你我。

我们按照社会规定的模式活着。别人和自己的差别太大,就气恼一番;自己和别人一模一样,又不由悲哀。面对内心和现实的冲突时,往往选择埋葬自我,接受现实。

如此而已。

就算是Riggan本尊也需要在化妆镜上贴着句话时时提醒自己:

A thing is a thing, not what is said of that thing

那些人们愿意为之慷慨赴死的东西,比如爱情,比如自由,很多时候,它们代表的无非是个体对现实的置之度外。

这也是为什么罗曼·罗兰在《约翰·克利斯朵夫》里面说的这段话会引起那么多人的共鸣:

大多数人在他们二三十岁时就死去了,因为过了那个年龄,他们只是自己的影子,此后的余生则是在模仿自己中度过。日复一日,更机械,更装腔作势地重复他们在有生之年的所作所为,所思所想,所爱所恨。

看这电影的时候,我还会想起自己最喜欢的电影《一一》。杨德昌无非是挑了一个普通的中产阶级家庭,白描一把,让你看到,每个个体都在日复一日重复自己的生活;而个体之间,年幼者又在重复年长者曾经的生活。

在这样循规蹈矩的生活中,那些敏感而挣扎着的人类,或许是痛苦的,但也是伟大的。

因为人类可以称为文明的大多数内容,都是那些敏感而挣扎着的人类在“个体对现实的妥协”和“个体对现实的抵抗和超越”这两者的冲撞中生产出来的。